Sirius Black reads Twilight
by TheFlameOfEternalSass
Summary: Sirius Black regrets the day he ever picked up the book. WARNING- TWILIGHT BASHING FIC.
1. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin's reactions

**AN: Updated with (slightly) better grammar and (a bit) more content.**

 **Summary: Sirius Black stumbles across a book named Twilight and soon comes to regret it.**

 **Disclaimer: I own neither of Harry Potter or Twilight.**

 **WARNING: You Twilight fans probably won't want to read this. There is a lot of character bashing. The whole Fanfic is just twilight bashing.**

Sirius Black slowly placed the book down on the table, a horror-filled expression covering his face as he stared at the book cover for a few more minutes, "MOONY!" Sirius yelled. "MOONY, I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE, HELP ME! IT'S HORRIBLE!"

Remus came running in and looked around the room for any signs of danger. His eyes landed on Sirius and then on the book on the table, realisation crossed his features. "Seriously, Padfoot?" Remus laughed. "You're scarred for life because you actually read a book for once?"

"Not just any book," Sirius declared dramatically, flopping back into the chair. "The cheesiest written Vampire romance book ever written ever."

"That sentence makes no sense," Remus told him, picking up the book in question. "I sincerely doubt this book is that bad. You're probably just overdramatising it."

Sirius huffed, crossed his arms and turned his face away from his friend. "Fine then, you read it and then you tell me it isn't a monstrosity. I dare you."

"Fine." Remus agreed, looking at Sirius doubtfully. "I will read this book and then, once I have, you had better stop acting like a drama queen."

 **A few days later.**

"Sirius," Remus let the book fall from his hands and onto his lap, "you have my greatest apologies. This really is a horrific cheesy romance book about Vampires."

"Thank you," Sirius said, grabbing the book off Remus's lap and throwing it into the fireplace. "Now we will never have to read that thing again."

"Where did you even find it?" Remus asked, watching the book burn, something he'd normally be opposed to, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

"It turned up in my room about a week ago," Sirius replied. "I really wished it hadn't. I mean, what sort of book character is that… dull?"

"Which character are we talking about?" Remus asked.

"All of them," Sirius answered. "They are all so dull and sparkly. What kind of vampire sparkles? I am starting to feel sorry for Snivellus for comparing him to one of those glitter suckers. No, wait, the moment passed."

Remus rolled his eyes at his friend's antics, "Bella must be one of the worst fictional characters to exist," Remus added. "She complains about nothing for the first few chapters until her life is magically improved by a 100-year-old man who looks 17."

"The morals of the book are all wrong." Sirius agreed. "It is basically telling people that you need someone to save you and that you need a partner, and not friends, to make you happy. Or that dating someone decades older than you when you're barely of age is okay."

"SIRIUS?" Harry called from upstairs, he came running downstairs and stared at the two men suspiciously. "Have you seen the copy of Twilight that Hermione gave to me?"

The two glanced at each other, Remus's eyebrow was raised and Sirius was wide-eyed, then they both turned to look at Harry, "Why would you even want to read that rubbish anyway?" Sirius asked.

"So you have seen it," Harry said. "And Hermione said it shows how anti-feministic some writers can be towards their female characters. I told her I'd read it and tell her what I thought. Can you give it back?"  
"Even if I could, I wouldn't," Sirius replied. "It's absolutely awful and I don't want you to scar your innocence this way."

"You had no problem scarring mine," Remus muttered.

"Where is it, Sirius?" Harry asked.

"I threw it into the fireplace," Sirius replied. "It's evil. And… and… negative. You are not reading that. I will not let you ruin your life this way."

Harry shrugged and settled into a chair, "There are three more," Harry said with a grin. "Do you want me to get those for you too?"

"Three…" Sirius quickly ran upstairs.

"Be honest, how bad was it?" Harry asked Remus.

"It was awful," Remus replied. "Exactly like Sirius said."

 **Meanwhile in Forks…**

"What? What's this Harry Potter?" Bella asked, looking at the book in her hands with disdain and flicking through it. "They've copied us! They have Blacks and werewolves too."

Edward looked up and at the book in her hands, "I actually quite like Harry Potter."

"WHAT?!"

 **AN: Like I said, only just slightly improved.**


	2. Dumbledore's reaction

**AN: The second updated Harry Potter reaction to Twilight.**

Albus Dumbledore had no words, a feat which was amazing on its own. He had no way to forget the dreadful experience the book on his desk had just given him except maybe an Obliviate spell, but then he'd probably pick up the dratted book again and read it and keep making that mistake again and again, never learning his lesson.

He plucked a Lemon Drop from a bag and dropped it into his mouth, thinking about what he was to do next. He could not subject his school to such a book, it would be considered abuse to him, but there was the possibility that some of them had already read it and were now suffering in silence because of it.

Maybe he should start a support group… 'the-ones-that-read-Twilight-and-survived' or something catchy like that. They would all have their terrible tales of how they came in contact with the vile book and the equally horrific characters.

He had no idea how could anyone write this book and get it published. How could anyone like this book? Or buy the rest of the series which was… three books? Who would waste their money to buy something with no character development and a terrible message to back it up? Of course, naïve children who had no idea what real stories were like.

Albus Dumbledore was going to make a change. He was going to go meet a Muggle Author and 'suggest' that they write about Harry's life. How he had done the impossible with the help of his friends, teachers, and family… how tragic, but beautiful Harry's life was and how good always won when it came down to it.

He wasn't doing it for money or because he wanted magic exposed. He was doing it for the greater good of the Muggles so that they could open their minds to real issues, but first, he had an idea.

He would send his copy of the book to his worst enemy- Voldemort… maybe that would have an interesting effect…

Hmm, he'd have to get Severus to do that for him, but that wouldn't take much persuasion because Severus had offered the book to him to read and he was sure Severus had the same idea that he did when he had offered the book.

Dumbledore walked over to his Floo, grabbed a handful of Floo Powder and said, "Severus Snape's office, Hogwarts." He stepped into the Floo…

And stepped out to meet Severus Snape, sitting at his desk and looking up when the older men entered. "I wasn't aware I was expecting you, Albus," Severus said.

"This book," He held up the book and placed it on Severus's desk, "it's evil, it's vile… it's-"

"I know." Severus agreed. "I feel you have come up with a way to rid us of it?"

"I am working on it." Albus agreed, "but first I want you to send it to Voldemort."

Severus stared at Dumbledore for a few seconds, his mouth working open and closed every few seconds before he managed to force out, "You-you, I-what? He'd kill me if I sent him that. He doesn't take things like you do."

Albus sat down on a desk with a small smile on his face, "I disagree or I would not ask you to do such a thing, would I?" Albus questioned.

"With all due respect," Severus pushed the book back towards the man, "I really think he'd find this book a disgrace to humanity and he hates everything human. He'd probably want to kill more Muggles for it. I hardly think that works out for the better."

"At least try for me, Severus," Albus placed the book back on the table, and walked away, grabbing another handful of Floo powder and headed back to his office.

"That man is many things," Severus muttered to himself whilst grabbing the book, holding it at arms-length, and heading to his Floo, "but sane isn't one of them."

"Ah, Severus." Voldemort hissed. "Do you have any new information for me on Potter or Hogwarts?"

Severus couldn't believe he was actually doing this. That he was actually giving the Dark Lord the most horrendous book known to man. "Actually, yes. It's all in this book. I am sure you'll find it… pleasing. I stole it from Dumbledore's office."

"Brilliant." Voldemort snatched the book from his hand and stared at it. "Why is it called Twilight?"

"It's a rouse so that students won't go looking through it," Severus answered. "It is also set out like a story to fool them."

"I see." Voldemort nodded. "Seems like something he would do." He looked over and noticed Severus was still there. "You can go now."

Severus Snape left as quickly as he could and Voldemort began reading.


	3. Voldemort's reaction

**AN: Just what the doctor ordered. The newly updated chapter 3.**

Voldemort slammed the book down and glared at it with utmost hatred. This was why he detested Muggles. That and Snickers, but out of the two Snickers were definitely the lesser evil of two… well, three evils. There hadn't even been any mention of Hogwarts or Dumbledore for that matter so Snape had obviously lied to him.

Vaguely Voldemort wondered if Dumbledore and Potter had read the book, but that thought was soon cast away with the burning need to destroy something or someone. He pulled out his wand and sent an Incendio towards the book which immediately set alight, but that wasn't satisfying enough. The book, and any other copies needed to be obliterated from existence.

So he'd send them to Potter. It was the ultimate torture after all.

He had no idea what to do now. He couldn't go after Potter or Dumbledore, his Death Eaters were all planning… well, something he had told them to do, but he couldn't quite remember now, maybe his memory was going and he was going to forget all about that book, oh, how wonderful that would be.

"My Lord," He turned to see Bellatrix standing beside him. "You looked troubled. Is it the Potter brat again?"

"It is something much, much worse than Potter," Voldemort said. "It was Twilight."

Bellatrix stared at her master for a few moments then said, "Twilight? I have never heard of it. Should I tell the Death Eaters to find out what it is, my Lord?"

"No. You should remove yourself from this room before I drag you all here and Crucio you one by one," Voldemort said and Bellatrix quickly left.

"At least Potter is smart compared to that… to that thing." Voldemort muttered. "Potter never really seems to whine even a quarter as much as it did and he had more to complain about. Hey, he even has a better enemy."

Voldemort stood and looked himself in the mirror. Was he… no, he couldn't be… but he so obviously was… he could see in the only mirror he had that he was… he was falling apart in a quite literal way. His pale skin was flaking and falling to the ground.

He was falling apart over a teen book about Vampires. Lord Voldemort: dark ruler, mass murderer and possibly one of the strongest wizards alive was dying over the worst romance book ever written.

He would have been more satisfied if Potter had been the one to kill him. He had secretly always known that Potter was the stronger out of the two of them, but had never told his Death Eaters because he wanted them to see him as the best, but he had been prepared for the day of his death for a long time now.

He watched as more of the skin fell from his body. It was like watching the snow fall only a lot more morbid because it was his skin and he was currently dying. He wondered briefly about life after death, but his thoughts were cut off by the darkness. He desperately tried to fight it, but was guided towards it without a fuss, and… Lord Voldemort was no more than a pile skin and clothes.

 **Meanwhile in Forks...**

"You've got to admit the werewolves are cooler in Harry Potter," Jacob said to Bella. "And the characters and the… actually, you know what Harry Potter is cooler than Twilight. Face it, Bella. Everyone hates us except for teens who haven't learned that the most important thing in life is living and not watching reruns of our movie."

"What?!" Bella shrieked. "Twilight is 1000% better than Harry Potter. We believe that love-"

"Can be perverted and no one will bat an eyelid." Jacob finished. "Bella, you're just a self-insert. I'm just here for the love triangle until book four where I imprint on your baby daughter just after she has been born and you have died."  
"I… what? I thought you loved ME, Jake. I am the most popular student at school and-" Bella began.

"No, anyway I promised I'd meet up with Edward today, see you." Jacob began to walk off.

"You hate Edward," Bella stated.

"No," Jacob disagreed, "you think we hate each other. We both agree that you're a really badly written character."

With that, Jacob ran off leaving Bella alone.

 **AN: I will try to update the next few chapters in the following days, and will possibly always keep updating these Fanfics until I'm pleased with them.**


	4. Hermione Granger's reaction

**A/N- Reading Harry Potter is taking longer than I thought to write and I'm kind of juggling with lots of ideas for future Fanfics too so there might be very little updates from RHP for a few more weeks but I am working on it. My life is currently dealt with so nothing should be getting in the way.**

 **Disclaimer- I don't own any of Twilight or Harry Potter but I do own this fic so….**

 **Warning: Twilight bashing, OOCishness and possible Twilight characters at the end.**

Hermione Granger hated Twilight. She hated it with a burning passion. She had read the book once and had refused to touch the damned thing again because it was that appalling. She had even thought it had reduced her IQ after reading it but, fortunately for her, it hadn't.

Now, Hermione wasn't one to be mean but she couldn't think about one good thing to say about it. The plot was terrible, half the words were made up, sentences didn't make sense and some of the things Bella said or thought were just so idiotic as no other teenaged girl even felt the things she did.

She then wondered what to do with the book as she refused to keep it in her room or even in the same house as her.

 _I could burn it,_ she thought to herself, _or I could give to someone else to read… but who would take it from me?_

As if to answer her question, Hermione heard someone knocking softly on her bedroom door and opened it to reveal Harry, who had a large grin on his face while his hair was all messed up, "Hey, Hermione, Mrs Weasley said that dinner was almost ready so you should probably come downstairs."

Hermione nodded in reply, "So, Harry, I found this book-" Hermione started, heading over to where she had pushed the book earlier.

Harry looked at her surprised, "I'm not usually one to read many books. You know that." Harry cut in.

"Well, yeah." Hermione agreed. "But the thing is I wanted you to read it and to tell me what you thought of it afterwards."

Harry was still staring at Hermione but this time a little suspiciously, "Ummm… why?" He asked.

"I want you to tell me what you thought of it. Of how anti-feministic some writers can be, including this one, towards their female characters. Please Harry. Please."

Harry huffed, "Fine," he muttered, "where's the book?"

Hermione picked up the book from the floor and handed it to Harry, who took it rather reluctantly, and then both of them left the room and headed to Harry's room to hide the book for later before they both walked downstairs to the kitchen to eat.

 _Poor Harry had no idea what was in store for him…_ Hermione thought.

 **Meanwhile in Forks…**

"I don't get it, dad." Bella whined, sinking down into a chair. "I'm supposed to be the love of their lives, why don't they love me?"

Charlie Swan looked over to his teenaged daughter and let out a sigh. He loved Bella, he really did, but sometimes she could drive him up the wall because she thought she was too precious for the little town of Forks which, to him, was true but that was because she was his daughter and that Edward was the only man she needed in her life to keep her happy.

"Look, maybe… maybe they, umm… maybe… I dunno, Bells. I mean Harry Potter is quite…" He stopped when he saw the glare his daughter was sending him. "Rubbish, absolutely terrible."

Bella sent him a sweet smile and agreed, "See, we have a clear view of this world. Who needs friendship or family when you can a 107 year old Vampire who is just interested in you because he can't read your mind and because your blood calls to him?" She asked.

Charlie shook his head and mumbled, "Everyone who was a little bit of sanity."

"Sorry, what did you say?" Bella frowned. "I didn't hear you."

"I said that you're right." Charlie put on a forced smile. "Obviously. Anyway, I gotta go upstairs for a minute, will you be okay down here?" Bella nodded. "Good…" He ran upstairs quickly and into his room, pulling out a phone and dialling Jacob's number.

"Hello?" Jacob's voice called. "Charlie, is that you?"

"Yeah," Charlie replied, "hey, is that Edward kid with you by any chance?"

"Yeah, uh, he is, why?" Jacob answered.

"Because I need to talk to him." Charlie told him. "It's about Bella."

"Oh, um… he… she… okay." Jacob said.

A few seconds later Edward's voice said, "Hello Charlie, what is you want to discuss about Bella and I?"

"Well, just Bella actually." Charlie corrected. "I think… I think she's gone insane. She thinks that our books are better than Harry Potter and… I just can't lie to her, she's my daughter but if I tell her the truth she'll throw a tantrum."

"I see your problem." Edward nodded. "Both Edward and I have tried telling her ourselves but she keeps denying it. I doubt you will be able to change her mind but I suppose you could try."

"Alright, bye." Charlie said and put the phone down, pulling out a copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone to read…

 **A/N- Possibly the last chapter of this story unless I do one more but I doubt I will. I hope you enjoyed the Fic.**


	5. The end (or is it?)

**A/N- I know I keep saying this but this just might be the last chapter of this story, I just didn't like how I left it off in Chapter four.**

 **Disclaimer- I think we all know that if I wrote Twilight I wouldn't be bashing it and if I wrote Harry Potter I wouldn't be writing Fanfiction.**

 **Warning- Twilight bashing (as always), OOCness and Twilight characters keep turning up uninvited.**

"So, she gets pregnant with a freaky vampire baby that's draining the life out of her? Decides to keep it, dies anyway and just has to come back?" Sirius repeated almost hysterically, the more he had heard about the books, the more he detested them, he really hoped that someone had jumped on the idea of writing the books about Harry's life already, they had much more meaning to them than Twilight ever could.

Hermione nodded, also looking disgusted with the idea. "Then the werewolf, Jacob, imprints on her baby whilst she's still recovering." She added.

"And you wanted my innocent Harry to read this?" Sirius was quite offended by back, his Harry should never even see the cover of the book, never mind the contents. "I thought you were a good friend, Hermione."

Hermione frowned at that, she could have sworn Harry had told her that he had read it and hated it and was glad Sirius ruined the first copy that she had given, but maybe Sirius didn't know he had read it, it wouldn't surprise her, Harry still kept a lot from Sirius and Remus and having their 'innocent Harry' comprised by a book in such a way could be too much for Sirius. "Well, yeah but-" she was cut off by Harry running into the room, quickly slamming the door shut and pulling the latch, only there for emergencies, on the door. "Harry, what's wrong? Is it Death Eaters?" She pulled out her wand, ready to fire a curse.

"No," Harry replied quickly, leaning against the door, "it's much worse. It's... her!"

"Her? Her who?" Hermione frowned, "You're not making any sense."

Even Sirius looked confused, "An ex? Or something?" Sirius teased. "Did you tease-"

"No!" Harry interrupted him angrily, "It's her. She who must not be named..." Seeing their confused and slightly amused looks, he added, "the Twilight maniac girl!"

Immediately, Sirius and Hermione caught on, eyes widening in panic, the fact that the girl was actually real instilled a fear that Voldemort could never even have dreamed about into their hearts, that meant the Sparkly Vampire and bad Werewolves were real too. Fantastic. "How did she find us?" Hermione questioned. "... Unless she read the books?"

"Books? What books?" Harry asked her as the door shook in its hinges, clearly, the person on the other side was putting a lot of effort into getting in.

"The future books... that have already come out but are going to come out-" Hermione trailed off at their confused looks. "Your books, Harry, Dumbledore and I convinced a Muggle author to write them, and sent her back in time with all the information about you that we have."

The door suddenly slammed upon and Harry jumped back, wand raised shakily at the female in front of them. "How dare you!" She yelled at Harry. "My boyfriend and my other... boy friend won't even talk to me because of how perfect they think you are! Even my dad thinks I'm insane-"

"He's not wrong," Sirius muttered under his breath, causing Harry to snigger at the comment.

"They're supposed to love me! Worship me! But instead, they worship little Harry Potter." Bella whined loudly. "And you," she turned to Hermione, who just looked as surprised as Harry did at being called out, "all the teenaged girls want to be you, I don't get it, I'm prettier than you! And more popular. I even got the lead male character where you couldn't."

Hermione just looked amused at that, "I don't want to date Harry, thank you very much, he's like my little brother."

Bella scoffed at that, "Sure, so you settle for the dumb redhead."

This time Harry interrupted, "For your information, Ron is a lot smarter than you could ever hope to be and he and Hermione are very happy together."

Hermione nodded her agreement, "And, in any case, at least my boyfriend isn't almost 100 years older than me and sparkly."

"I bet I could get Harry to date me." Bella put her hands on her hips, but Harry just tried to hide behind Sirius who was just laughing hysterically at that, even Hermione looked amused. "I'm hotter than his current girlfriend anyway." Hermione burst into laughter that, she wasn't a bully by any means but this girl was making it hard for her to be nice, she was just asking for it.

"Not bloody likely," Harry commented quietly.

"Smarter."

"Bet she doesn't even know what a dictionary is." He whispered.

"Braver."

"A first year Hufflepuff in Snape's class has more bravery than her."

"So, what do you say, Harry?" Bella tried to make herself look appealing by leaning on the table that 'accidentally' broke on her as she did so.

"Where do I sign?" Harry asked sarcastically.

Bella huffed once more and stood, "My boyfriend shall hear of this!" She stormed out, feet banging on the stairs as she left.

"See ya later, Draco!" He called after her.

* * *

"This is a problem, indeed," Dumbledore told the group. "This Twilight disaster is actually very real."

Snape and Remus looked horrified, Sirius, Hermione and Harry haunted by the experience they had to face. "Was Sparkles and Puppy power with Satan's little delight?" Snape asked.

"No, it was just Crazy McGee," Harry replied. "Who is very, very mad at us."

Dumbledore rubbed his beard thoughtfully, "I can call someone in, they're experienced with those sort of stuff and then we won't hear from them ever again."

The group looked uncertain at that, whilst they didn't like Twilight, what Dumbledore had suggested sounded very permanent, which really only could mean one thing... "I think we'd be best talking to them first," Remus suggested. "At least the two men, see if they are just as bad as Bella turned out to be."

Again, not everyone looked comfortable with the idea but agreed anyway, if just to look for another solution to their new problem.

* * *

"My favourite book was the last one," Edward told Remus after their very long talk, apparently, all the Twilight characters, except Bella, hated Twilight and how bloody awful it was, they'd all tried convincing Bella but she wouldn't understand. "The way Harry sacrificed himself for the people he loved... I wished our books had turned out just as good as that."

"Yes, I quite agree." Remus replied, "but I do have to say I quite liked the first book myself, if a bit angry at finding out about how Harry was treated."

Jacob made a sound of agreement, "I liked the third book best, though, setting Sirius Black up as the murderer but then revealing it to be Pettigrew at the end, it was a great twist."

And thus, a new friendship was made between the Harry Potter characters and the Twilight ones... with the exception of Bella, who just... stopped turning up after around a week. No one knew what happened to her, well, no one except Dumbledore and two men who called themselves Sam and Dean Winchester...

 **A/N- So this kind of turned into a three-way crossover, which I totally never intended, but yeah, it made sense at the time. So now, I declare this complete lack of regard for any sort of canon of the Harry Potter universe done. No more chapters, I don't think I could do anymore anyway, now that Bella's gone. Hope you enjoyed it.**


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